Even I'm tempted by this.

Well, apart from the cigarettes. Ooft, can you imagine the carnage in your stomach after some of that? All available from here. I realise as a vegetarian it is probably against my better judgement to advertise that place, but it does look good and tasty. I mean, look how happy this guy looks!

Putting it about with Putin.

Vladimir Putin- master of all he surveys. I kind of love Mad Vlad. Or rather, not so Mad Vlad. He's like the archetypal bogey man brought to life. Scary eyes? Check. Ability to instill fear into all and sundry? Check. Kill you with his bare hands? Check. Vlad's a man's man. Now, I've known this since the first time I clapped eyes on him, but the Guardian on Wednesday in its infitinite wisdom decided to show everyone just how it is to be Vladimir Putin with its feature 'Putin's guide to being a real man' you can access here.

Sadly, the link doesn't contain the fanstasic pictures that accompanied the piece and demonstrated Putin's machoness (I know that's probably not a word) to the full. Luckily, google image search does. Not content with scaring the bejeezus out of anyone of a nervous disposition when it comes to oil and gas supplies in Europe, Vlad decided it would be a good idea to get some photos taken to demonstrate his manliness. Here's a few for your perusal.

Vlad showing up James Bond for the fictional character he is:


I particularly like the balaclaved men in the background. No such disguise for Vlad. It'd impair his ability to SCARE you to death with his face. Probably by looking at you like this:


Moving on to a more lighter side, Vlad decided to go fishing. Waders, green ghillie, checked shirt, wee hat with your hooks on it- those are what I think of when I think of fisherman. Not Vlad. Top off, army khakis and a pair of army-issue boots for the big man!


As hard as I try, I just can't shake the thought of Gordon Brown, Tony Blair or oor ain Alex Salmond pulling off the topless fishing look. But with Vlad? Well, he's clearly a natural. I wonder if he conducts government meetings topless as well, just because he can?

I particularly like this one:


No question, Vlad is a MAN! Or even, THE MAN! Or something. Vlad obviously knows when it's time to get out the guns and when to conceal. Or perhaps a halfway house for the two? Say a vest?


I think we're straying into gay icon territory here. I'm sure Vlad doesn't mind. I mean what kind of gay icon would dress like this picture below?


I mean, come on! Jean Paul Gaultier is a thief! Vlad did it first! Since, he's had his style stolen by one OF the most famous gay fashion designers, I think Vlad has decided to adopt a more tough guy stance, particularly in his foreign policy. For example, he visited Japan and 'accidentally' wandered on to a judo mat without his shoes on. Of course, once on the mat he then had to smite the Japanese Judo chapion with a Harai Goshi.


At least I think that's what happened.

Of course, Vlad manages to project a tough guy image around the world, but deep down we all know that he's really a very sweet family man right? WRONG! Or maybe half wrong. Vlad has some golden rules about women you see- you can read all about them here- but the short synopsis is this: 1) "A woman must do everything in the home" and 2) "You should not praise a woman otherwise you will spoil her." Sage words Vlad, sage words. Of course, I shan't be following them (honest Mitch!). My other favourite Putinism from that article is that he reportedly once told a boy laid up in hospital with a broken leg after being hit by a car: "That'll teach you to break traffic regulations." He could just as easily have said that it learned him, but who's realistically going to argue with Vlad?

I did wonder how I should finish this post off. I mean, what else is there to say? Vlad's impeccable manliness says it all really. Then it struck me! Vlad is pretty scary right? Could you make him even scarier? Probably not? WRONG!


Here's a photo of the world's scariest diplomant with the world's craziest diplomat- and they look friendly! Oh crap! Also, I should note that according to StackFacts the gentleman who's moustache you can see in between the two is almost certainly hiding the word RACIST underneath said moustache. Just so you know.

STOP PRESS!

Aw naw! I've just been informed by the BaptistsforBrownback2008 website- a presidential campaign website for Sam Brownback the Republican senator for Kansas- that apparently wearing a kilt is not as innocent as I've been led to believe all my life...

You can read what these lovely people have to say about Scotland's national attire here. Be warned, don't have any foodstuffs or liquids in your mouth when you read it as they will inevitably end up all over your computer screen and keyboard as you laugh at what they've written, and of course I don't want to be responsible for your cleaning costs.

Obviously not willing to take this lying down, Scots and defenders of the kilt the world over left them numerous comments letting them know exactly what they thought of their assertions and accusations, resulting in a retraction. Of sorts. You can read about it here.


Now as you are all busy people I'll leave you some of the choicest cuts from their words of wisdom regarding the kilt:

"The kilt, long associated with those ghastly Scots, has seen a drastic increase in popularity among the jet-setting homosexual crowd. One manufacturer of this perfectly obscene item, Utilikilts in Seattle, was recently interviewed and subsequently featured prominently on the front page of Yahoo News. " Charming. Ghastly eh? Perhaps they've see the pubs at kicking out time?

"It is understood, that while the sodomite would unnaturally embrace the feminine attributes of a man-skirt or kilt, the main purpose is that it grants them easy and quick access for fornicating." Hmm, does this extend to women who wear skirts? THEY MUST ALL BE SODOMITES TOO! Quick, get the emergency trousers on everyone!

"No real man, not a heterosexual one with a shred of self-respect, Scottish or not, would permit himself to be caught dead in a skirt, unless he was playing the bagpipe while in Scotland, at a historically-themed wedding. Even then I find his heterosexuality suspect at best." Ooh, get her! I have to say I am deeply concered that somebody somewhere in the US finds my hetereosexuality deeply concerning at my choice to wear a kilt. I think I'm going to readdress my whole belief system in light of what I've just read. Done, I'm sticking with the kilt.

Their retraction begins- please, no foodstuffs or liquids, this is an absolute belter:

"Dear Angry Kilt-Wearing Men,

Obviously, many of you feel very strongly about your right to wear “kilts” based on the responses as seen in the post titled: The Sissification of Seattle. Regardless of how foolish a man looks in a skirt, I have spoken to several of your women via email who have convinced me that they believe you to be completely heterosexual. Having faith that a percentage of women, albeit a small one, possess the intuition to discern whether her husband is not taking her for a fool, and not out having abominable same-sex relations, I will agree to believe that some of you are not sodomites. That said, there arises an equally as disturbing of an issues, if you are not in fact a homosexual then why would you want to wear a skirt, or kilt if you will. The only rational conclusion I can come up with is that the freedom of not having slacks with sippers and belts, grants you easy access for spontaneous fornication. Providing that all intimate relations occur solely between yourself and your legal wife, this may not be a mortal sin, as is the sin of sodomy. However, this opens the door to instances of carnality that lay outside of the golden rule: Sexual relations between a man and his wife are for procreation, not recreation. Additionally, there is the problem of what does a man wear beneath his “kilt” which would deter him from self-abuse and abnormal excitability."

So, now that kilt-wearers are no longer all sodomites (although there is still the belief that at least some are, naturally), there is at least the very good chance that that they are probably sexual deviants who at the drop of a hat, or should I say lifting of a kilt, will inevitably indulge in 'spontaneous fornication'! I guess now we all know why ceilidhs are so fun! Not to mention Scotland international football matches, Scottish international rugby, the Edinburgh Military Tattoo, Highland Games, formal occasions and so forth. What sexually charged occasions these all are and poor little naive me didn't even realise. I'm getting a kilt ASAP, what a world of deviant pleasures I've been missing out on all this time! Oh wait...